Holidays

About the time I think I'm moving forward with my "new" life - something comes up that makes me realize I'm not quite there yet.  The holidays are one of those times.  Every Christmas ornament comes with a story - with a memory.  Maybe it was because I was alone this Christmas while decorating - but it certainly was a trip down memory lane.  It's a reminder of the good and the not so good times of the last 40 years of my life.  I began collecting dated ornaments with the very first tree I had in my first apartment in 1976...and have a dated ornament from every year since then.  It's quite a collection now and one I hope that my kids will treasure.  For me, it is wrapped up in the reflections of years gone by.  Many of the memories are happy times - some of them sad - and some of them will never be the same.  Life changes...none of us survives it in this body.  While the spirit lives on, our identity in the body dies with the body.  We miss those who have passed on from this life and for me this holiday was the worst yet.

On the brighter side, it's part of the grieving process to miss people who you have lost.  But it's not a hopeless time either.  I have great friends and family - I have a new significant other in my life...and while things aren't always perfect or easy - everything I finish is another thing I don't have to face again.  With the final close of my deceased husband's business comes a lot of heartbreak - probably the hardest thing I have had to face other than his actual death in that first month.  I have been part of his Chiropractic practice since day 1.  It's hard to give up the outflow of help to all those patients over the years.  I cannot even begin to explain how much it would have meant to me to sell the practice - and continue to deliver healthcare to all of those patients I know and love.  But it was not meant to be.  I can't keep my husband alive by doing that and it just was not working out in so many ways.  So the practice was closed.  Now only the cleanup remains.  The building was remodeled and new tenants will be moving in soon.  It's only left for me to close the books and move out the furnishings.  But it is so very difficult to do at the same time.  It's a huge emotional drain.  I want it to be done and yet no one is there to help...so it gets done slowly over time.  The longer it takes, the sadder it feels.

So during this holiday - I am trying to remember to be thankful for the "new" life that will result from all of these changes and to be thankful for all the gifts that I received in a lifetime with Verle.  I have beautiful children and a bright future to enjoy.  Time will help - although I will always remember....

Have a happy holiday and keep looking for the brighter future that awaits you!  Together we can create a better world!